i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
