you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
