i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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