In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
