i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
