So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
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