I just cut my nipple shaving
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
