Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
