You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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