My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just cut my nipple shaving
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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