I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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