ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
