it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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