Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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