If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
