This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
