don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
