none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
