went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
