Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
