You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
