woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
