I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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