oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
