She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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