SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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