Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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