OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
