I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
