Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
