1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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