Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
