I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
