life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
