i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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