Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
