i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
