I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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