Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
