I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The chlamydia really affected his face.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
