yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
