Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
