John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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