Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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