I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
