I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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