He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
