I wish my penis had an off switch
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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