I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just want nice things and good sex
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
