I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
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