I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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