my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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