when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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